(written while in copacabana, cancun, mexico)

if you ever came back

you wouldn't even recognize me
i would be such a different girl
in your immature eyes
not the one you fell in
love with so long ago
no
cold as ice and hard as stone
all alone
overwhelmed with time and the
burden of your mistakes
i've grown for the better
and my features have improved
hence i'm not the little girl
i once was when i knew you
wild and crazy and free
i am now so unmoved
and quiet and lonely
scared to venture into unknown
territory, and for what?
nothing, because i have nothing
you've done it all yourself
i am permanently changed
because of your cruel mistakes
and i'm sure if you
ever came back to me
you'd turn away
not that you would return
you're too ashamed
in what you've created in me

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

august fourth, 2004

copacabana

as the sunset approaches
and i sit alone on
the balcony of copacabana
the foreign bugs sing in the trees
a nighttime lullabye for the
resting birds with their
yellow and red patterns
i can hear the ocean so near
so sparkling blue and clear
children from all over the world
darting at the little silver fish
swimming near the shore
a lizard above me on the ceiling
sees an upside-down world
its so beautiful here
bright dazzling colors
fit the clouds like satin
as night begins

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
written august 3, 2004

I’m stronger than you are, I’m alone.

the many months have passed by

with vicious speed

and I get stronger as they move along

how each time I’m neglected

and not cared for

each time they say

it doesn’t matter if I’m called

and I wait patiently by my phone

for their gracious attention

I get stronger and stronger and stronger

until I can swallow back the tears

grit my teeth

and ignore all of the pain.

= = = = = = = = = = =

August 2, 2004

how it used to kill me

when they all had fun

and I was all alone

sitting at home

waiting by my phone

how I cried and screamed

and slit my wrists feebly

like a depressed anguished child

which nobody cared for

now that the respect is gained

and I have real people there

and how I’ve had to bear

and grit my teeth

so many times before

I find it hard

when I’m ignored

to care.

= = = = = = = = = = = =

August 2, 2004

I’m laughing maniacally

for my plan has failed

and succeeded twistingly

I laugh through my tears

as the two upstairs

in my room

are behind closed doors

with turned-off lights

what they are doing is a

useless secret

for everybody knows

and its hilarious and perfect and i'm               

so happy for them, its beautiful

as the boy who broke my heart.

sleeps alone on the couch

ignored and lonely and cold

for the one he so madly desires

is in the bed with someone else!

and I find it so funny!

so ironic!

because the two up there are

beyond perfect for each other

its simply meant to be

don't you see it??

everybody else does.

its laughable

because she could probably care less

for all she thinks of is the one laying

beside her

and its so comical, this situation!

how in the end when I am there

he chooses to be alone instead

not noticing what he could have had

something so good to fix his broken heart

but he rejected it.

oh, how I have failed.

= = = = = = = = = = = = =

August 2, 2004

I’ll take you all back, of course.

You take it all so lightly

who cares if I’m not there?

I know you don’t.

but soon my presence will be missed

and you’ll be calling me back

and what will I do then?

= = = = = = = = = = = = =

August 2, 2004

summer sun

i hate this summer
because its different
i'm sorry for my ignorance, summer
but the taste of iced tea doesn't
cheer me up like it used to
the cicadas' song at night
doesn't sing me to sleep like it used to
i lay awake in all hours of the night
in the glow of the same music videos on mute
trying to will myself to go to sleep
but thoughts of him just don't let me
they won't leave me alone
there are so many memories
that they leak out every ten seconds
and i claw at my hair and my eyes trying
to make it stop
but it never stops
its just too much, and i can't take it anymore
i can't go to the beach and sit on the sand
and feel "perfection" like i used to
because the sand burns me now
i'm too sensitive everywhere and the
summer sun
has become my worst enemy

= = = = = = = = = =

Written Thursday, July 29, 2004

i've changed my mind.

Walnut Avenue

the long diagonal road
which used to be just a road to me
is now the main route to so many memories
it branches off into several streets
with houses belonging to people i don't know
it leads to a playground, a pool, a theater
all of which i have patronized
and all which contain their own memories
but this road contains the most of mine
i can envision every house and bump and curve
how it bends to my friend's house
where the boy of my dreams and i both betrayed
so many
everyone we know
and with every blue car that passes by
with how my hopes are always brought up too high
i have to wonder why my life has changed so much
because of that stupid road
i remember the night way back when
when christmas was just around the bend
how i and a dear friend went to greet
the one who i was most fond of
we walked down that street which curved
over to the main icy road
it was late at night and the streetlights made
slippery wet reflections off the ice
we almost slipped and fell many times
on occasion a car went by with chains around the tires
and suddenly there he was in the distance
at first he was simply a blur in the darkness
until we could hear the crunch of his feet against
the frozen snow
he greeted us
it was friendly and formal, how he preferred
until later on he snuck me a gentle squeeze
and before i could smile up at him he was already
someplace else
that was always the trouble with him
i remember that very night
how the white car dropped us off
on walnut avenue
far enough away from my friend's house
so we wouldn't get caught by watchful eyes
and we slid on the ice and almost broke our necks
making our way inside to find
our worried acquaintances.
that was so long ago.
now the road is dry and hot
leading to a heavily vacated pool
which offers soothing relief.
but the road still has more of me
for one night, four months before now
i met him on that road
he was the one who i adored more than anybody
in the entire world
i would give my life for him in an instant if needed
but, he was taken by another
taken and held onto too tightly, restricting
so he wanted to be free but was afraid
and he called late at night while i was at that
friend's house on walnut avenue
and he told me to meet him on that street
it was a bit chilly and was moist from an earlier spring shower
the yellow light bounced off the dampness of the paved road
and i remember the sound of the wheels in the distance
as he met me right in the middle on a skateboard
his cheeks a bit red and his breathing heavy
for his athsma was a bother
he took me around my waist with his left arm
and used his right to carry his means of transportation
and i returned the favor with my right arm around his back
and we walked that way, up walnut avenue
and i remember the comfort and safety
of his jacket
made of leather.
a month later was when everything changed
and now i reap the seeds that he sowed
and now all the debt that was due
was owed and returned and now i suffer
his consequences
and he basks in the glory of that raven-haired girl
who's so beautiful but has faults of her own
who scared me away and shuts me off in his mind
although i'm sure i return in it once in a while
for whenever he drives his new blue car
down walnut avenue
i'm sure he remembers every moment
that we made
on that dark street
as i do now.

= = = = = = = = = = = = =

written 7/15/04

haha thats funny...exactly one month after i decide to close this website.